I finished my play list of 60s songs and the itinerary for my party, and took them to the club to discuss with the DJ, Eddie. As usual he was sat smoking a fag with a pint in his hand when I asked if I could join him and his friend.
He looked surprised when I handed him the itinerary, but he humoured me by going through it step by step. The party is going to start at 7.30, the buffet at 9.30 following by my speech and dance with Dan to the Beatles 'In My Life'. I'll give the prize for the best 60s fancy dress, male and female, and then Austin Powers (our friend Peter)is going to dance a 'groovy' routine with Kathryn and two of her friends from dancing school, if they have the courage. We have a bar extension to 12.00. The band will play at 10.00 for about an hour and Eddie will come back on, he said, until 1.00am.
"I want you to do one thing for me", Eddie said."Enjoy it. Don't be worrying. Don't panic. I've been at parities and it's 8.o'clock and there's only about 30 people arrived and the party person starts to panic thinking that no one will turn up. Then by 9.00-9.30 the place is heaving."
"I'll try not to. I'm so excited.
Copyright © 2007 Barbara Attwood
Sunday, 13 May 2007
Friday, 11 May 2007
Lunch with Ex students
The only students I've ever kept in touch with are from the very first community psychology class I did, five years ago. I met up with them today and gave them invites to my 60th. They're not bringing their husbands - having a girls' night out instead. We got into a bit of a frenzy discussing 60's attire and hairdos. Julia, Joanne and Pauline can come, but Terri is on holiday.
Pauline is starting a degree course in September. "I tell everyone, I would never have done anything like this without Barbara Barnes and the community course," she said.
"That's very kind," I said.
"It's true," she said, and they all starting talking at once about the course - how noisy they all were and how I used to have to shout 'order' to get them to shut up.
"You lot are still the same," I said.
Terri reads Jon's blog and is a regular commenter. I gave her a letter from him.
"What made you decide to have a party?" Joanne asked.
"After nearly five years of not really wanting to celebrate anything, I decided that I couldn't let my 60th go by. Dan and I went to a 60's and 70's party a few years ago and it was great fun. So I'm going for it. Balloons, streamers, fancy dress - the full works - as tacky as possible. Then there's Kathryn's wedding in September."
Terri's daughter is also getting married in September so we compared notes, on Mother of the Bride outfits, hats, guest lists, arguments over who to invite and who not to invite - the stress and the excitement. Terri reads Jon's blog and is a regular commenter. I gave her a letter from him.
"And hopefully, fingers crossed," I added my heart sinking, "Jon will be released in November."
"What a year," Julia said.
Copyright © 2007 Barbara Attwood
Pauline is starting a degree course in September. "I tell everyone, I would never have done anything like this without Barbara Barnes and the community course," she said.
"That's very kind," I said.
"It's true," she said, and they all starting talking at once about the course - how noisy they all were and how I used to have to shout 'order' to get them to shut up.
"You lot are still the same," I said.
Terri reads Jon's blog and is a regular commenter. I gave her a letter from him.
"What made you decide to have a party?" Joanne asked.
"After nearly five years of not really wanting to celebrate anything, I decided that I couldn't let my 60th go by. Dan and I went to a 60's and 70's party a few years ago and it was great fun. So I'm going for it. Balloons, streamers, fancy dress - the full works - as tacky as possible. Then there's Kathryn's wedding in September."
Terri's daughter is also getting married in September so we compared notes, on Mother of the Bride outfits, hats, guest lists, arguments over who to invite and who not to invite - the stress and the excitement. Terri reads Jon's blog and is a regular commenter. I gave her a letter from him.
"And hopefully, fingers crossed," I added my heart sinking, "Jon will be released in November."
"What a year," Julia said.
Copyright © 2007 Barbara Attwood
Thursday, 10 May 2007
CBT third session
I cheated a bit on my thought diary. I only started filling it in last week, and I backtracked because I didn't want Doreen to think I wasn't trying.
As usual she asked me how I'd been and I told her truthfully that writing down my negative thoughts and looking at the evidence that supported those thoughts has made me realise how anxious I am about everything, even when there's no evidence that what I fear will happen.
"None of us know the future," she said. "Live in the now. Let's have a look at your thought diary."
"Worry over the observation was mega," I told her, "But the guy, the observer, never showed up. All that work and stress, and waiting for him to arrive, for nothing."
"That's very unprofessional," Doreen said. "What happened?"
I related the sorry saga of the non-observation.
"The good news is, if the observer doesn't turn up, you get your grade from last year, and I got a grade 1. This guy says he never gives grade 1s, but by default he's given me a grade 1.
"Well done!" she said. "But you will have to learn to relax and not put so much pressure on yourself. You don't have to be perfect all the time. You are too hard on yourself.
We went over various other negative thoughts I'd experienced, but the main one was Jon's release.
"I try to be positive and think it will all go according to plan, but the bad thoughts creep in."
"What's the evidence that things will go wrong?"
"Nothing concrete, but I don't trust the system, and I couldn't cope with the disappointment of him not coming home. It's all he talks about in his letters and phone calls."
"What's the worst that could happen?"
I couldn't tell her my worst fears, I just said, "That it will all be delayed."
"Well, if it's delayed you will cope with it. You've handled him being in prison for 5 years and you'll deal with a few more months if you have to. The worst is over for you."
She made it sound so easy. I know I should think positively. I'm creating my own hell. We have survived this far. There's no reason why it should go wrong.
"You're right," I agreed. "But I won't feel at peace until he's back on English soil."
"You're doing well recognising the negative thoughts and trying to address them. We'll extend the diary further to take in new thoughts and emotions or feelings.
Copyright © 2007 Barbara Attwood
As usual she asked me how I'd been and I told her truthfully that writing down my negative thoughts and looking at the evidence that supported those thoughts has made me realise how anxious I am about everything, even when there's no evidence that what I fear will happen.
"None of us know the future," she said. "Live in the now. Let's have a look at your thought diary."
"Worry over the observation was mega," I told her, "But the guy, the observer, never showed up. All that work and stress, and waiting for him to arrive, for nothing."
"That's very unprofessional," Doreen said. "What happened?"
I related the sorry saga of the non-observation.
"The good news is, if the observer doesn't turn up, you get your grade from last year, and I got a grade 1. This guy says he never gives grade 1s, but by default he's given me a grade 1.
"Well done!" she said. "But you will have to learn to relax and not put so much pressure on yourself. You don't have to be perfect all the time. You are too hard on yourself.
We went over various other negative thoughts I'd experienced, but the main one was Jon's release.
"I try to be positive and think it will all go according to plan, but the bad thoughts creep in."
"What's the evidence that things will go wrong?"
"Nothing concrete, but I don't trust the system, and I couldn't cope with the disappointment of him not coming home. It's all he talks about in his letters and phone calls."
"What's the worst that could happen?"
I couldn't tell her my worst fears, I just said, "That it will all be delayed."
"Well, if it's delayed you will cope with it. You've handled him being in prison for 5 years and you'll deal with a few more months if you have to. The worst is over for you."
She made it sound so easy. I know I should think positively. I'm creating my own hell. We have survived this far. There's no reason why it should go wrong.
"You're right," I agreed. "But I won't feel at peace until he's back on English soil."
"You're doing well recognising the negative thoughts and trying to address them. We'll extend the diary further to take in new thoughts and emotions or feelings.
Copyright © 2007 Barbara Attwood
Monday, 7 May 2007
Jon's release
At last we seem to be getting somewhere. After months of frustration, the process for his release is being put into action, but its going to be 30 days before Jon goes on to the next stage.
The nagging fears that something will go wrong are still there. I won't relax until he's on UK soil and we can bring him home.
Copyright © 2007 Barbara Attwood
The nagging fears that something will go wrong are still there. I won't relax until he's on UK soil and we can bring him home.
Copyright © 2007 Barbara Attwood
Sunday, 6 May 2007
Walking
We walked up Moel Famau in Wales yesterday. My other de-stressor is walking. It's our hobby. Dan and I started hiking about 20 years ago. Although I'd been in a rambling society at the age of 16. The Woodend it was called, nicknamed the Deadend. We camped at Snowdonia in the snow one November. I can't imagine doing that now. Run by two university students, who organised walks all over England and Wales, it ended sadly with arguments and accusations over individuals not clearing up the campsite before their departure. It was a good introduction to the outdoor life.
The kids were teenagers when Dan and I started walking, and they wanted nothing to do with it. You have to start them young. Kathryn did come camping in Derbyshire with us once, but never really got into it, but recently her and Aaron came with us on a walking holiday to the Cotswolds. Over the years we've progressed to higher and harder and longer walks. Now it's nothing less than 2000 ft. (Moel Famau at 1,800 is an afternoon stroll).
The harder the walk, the more the tension lifts from my body. I forget myself in the expanse of open space; the feeling of oneness with nature, and the awe inspiring views from the top of a mountain. The indescribable beauty. There's the challenge and the elation when you finally reach the summit. I love to get back home physically exhausted and drained of stress.
Perhaps Jon will join us on some walks. He loved nature as a young child. Dan used to take him and his grandad to local beauty spots, while I ferried Kathryn back and to from her dance class. Perhaps he'll appreciate nature again after his long incarceration.
Copyright © 2007 Barbara Attwood
The kids were teenagers when Dan and I started walking, and they wanted nothing to do with it. You have to start them young. Kathryn did come camping in Derbyshire with us once, but never really got into it, but recently her and Aaron came with us on a walking holiday to the Cotswolds. Over the years we've progressed to higher and harder and longer walks. Now it's nothing less than 2000 ft. (Moel Famau at 1,800 is an afternoon stroll).
The harder the walk, the more the tension lifts from my body. I forget myself in the expanse of open space; the feeling of oneness with nature, and the awe inspiring views from the top of a mountain. The indescribable beauty. There's the challenge and the elation when you finally reach the summit. I love to get back home physically exhausted and drained of stress.
Perhaps Jon will join us on some walks. He loved nature as a young child. Dan used to take him and his grandad to local beauty spots, while I ferried Kathryn back and to from her dance class. Perhaps he'll appreciate nature again after his long incarceration.
Copyright © 2007 Barbara Attwood
Saturday, 5 May 2007
Aromatherapy Massage
For my friend, Jayne's birthday I'd booked her and myself an aromatherapy massage: full body and facial in the college's holistic therapy department. It coincided nicely with the end of observation week. I desperately needed a de-stressor and so did Jayne as she's got further problems with her errant son.
"It's pot luck who you get," I said to Jayne. "Even though they're all level 3s some are better than others. Enjoy."
Elaine, the student beautician assigned to me, filled out a client card. In order to mix the appropriate oils, she needed to know what problems I wanted massaging away. I asked her if she had three hours to spare. She laughed, telling me to just give her a general idea. "I've got extremely dry skin, which soaks up moisture like a sponge," I said, showing her patches of dryness. "I have shoulder and neck pain, due to a double frozen shoulder I had four years ago, which left the area weak. I have IBS, but mostly I have stress, anxiety and depression."
"Is the stress work related?" she asked.
"Some of it is."
"And the rest?"
"It's a long story, let's leave it at that."
She smiled and left the cubicle, asking me to strip down to my knickers, and cover myself with brown towels; returning a few minutes later with little dishes containing combinations of the strong smelling oils.
"This one's for your facial. Do you like the smell?" she asked shoving it under my nose.
"Mm mm, " I said. "It smells powerful."
She didn't talk throughout the treatment, which I really like. You can't relax if you're constantly trying to make conversation with someone you don't really know. Her hands were warm and healing and strong. The heady aromas and her firm, soothing technique put me in a trance somewhere between sleep and meditation.
'Excellent' I wrote on her client care card. I asked if she did Reiki because her hands were so warm and comforting, almost healing. "Other people have said that. I'm going to do a course when I've finished this one."
"You really must. You have a gift."
"Thanks. Don't overdo it for the rest of the day," she warned. "No. tea, coffee or alcohol, just drink water and eat light meals. It's all part of the detox."
Disappointed, Jayne and I were intending to go for lunch, but the prospect of a light meal and no wine, added to the fact that our hair was so full of oil from the facial and scalp massage, we looked as though we had just finished a shift in a chippy, we decided to go home.
Next thing I heard was Dan shouting, "How was the massage?" I looked at the alarm clock on my beside table. I'd slept for three hours.
"Wonderful," I shouted back.
Copyright © 2007 Barbara Attwood
"It's pot luck who you get," I said to Jayne. "Even though they're all level 3s some are better than others. Enjoy."
Elaine, the student beautician assigned to me, filled out a client card. In order to mix the appropriate oils, she needed to know what problems I wanted massaging away. I asked her if she had three hours to spare. She laughed, telling me to just give her a general idea. "I've got extremely dry skin, which soaks up moisture like a sponge," I said, showing her patches of dryness. "I have shoulder and neck pain, due to a double frozen shoulder I had four years ago, which left the area weak. I have IBS, but mostly I have stress, anxiety and depression."
"Is the stress work related?" she asked.
"Some of it is."
"And the rest?"
"It's a long story, let's leave it at that."
She smiled and left the cubicle, asking me to strip down to my knickers, and cover myself with brown towels; returning a few minutes later with little dishes containing combinations of the strong smelling oils.
"This one's for your facial. Do you like the smell?" she asked shoving it under my nose.
"Mm mm, " I said. "It smells powerful."
She didn't talk throughout the treatment, which I really like. You can't relax if you're constantly trying to make conversation with someone you don't really know. Her hands were warm and healing and strong. The heady aromas and her firm, soothing technique put me in a trance somewhere between sleep and meditation.
'Excellent' I wrote on her client care card. I asked if she did Reiki because her hands were so warm and comforting, almost healing. "Other people have said that. I'm going to do a course when I've finished this one."
"You really must. You have a gift."
"Thanks. Don't overdo it for the rest of the day," she warned. "No. tea, coffee or alcohol, just drink water and eat light meals. It's all part of the detox."
Disappointed, Jayne and I were intending to go for lunch, but the prospect of a light meal and no wine, added to the fact that our hair was so full of oil from the facial and scalp massage, we looked as though we had just finished a shift in a chippy, we decided to go home.
Next thing I heard was Dan shouting, "How was the massage?" I looked at the alarm clock on my beside table. I'd slept for three hours.
"Wonderful," I shouted back.
Copyright © 2007 Barbara Attwood
Friday, 4 May 2007
Observation
Last week was our department's yearly observation week. I could have got out of it because of my 'personal problems' but not wanting special treatment, I went for it. Silly me. I spent most of my days off and the previous weekend sitting at my computer perfecting lesson plans, scheme of work, differentiation plans, handouts and worksheets, which were all printed off in perfect colour on my printer. My stress levels soared. We are not told which class the observer is going to come in to. The uncertainly creates mega tension. Phillip, the observer assigned to me, is reported to have said that he's never given anyone a grade 1. Whether this is some kind of macho thing or perhaps he's never seen a grade 1 lesson I don't know. It is off putting.
It got to Wednesday, my last teaching day, and Phillip, hadn't appeared. I was therefore convinced he would come to my evening 6-9.00pm group. I was well prepared and totally hyped up. I'd phoned all the students to be early. I was wearing cool, comfortable, smart and attractive, confidence boosting clothes. I'd single-handedly dragged in an extra table, telling my manager to pretend she'd not seen me, as she started muttering about Health and Safety. I had all my handouts and activities placed carefully in order on the desk, together with coloured wipe board pens and flip chart markers. Adrenalin was racing through my veins.
He didn't turn up.
That I was furious, after all my hard work, is an understatement. The good news however is - if your observer doesn't turn up, you can keep the grade you got last year, which was a grade 1. The guy who never gives grade 1s, inadvertently gave me a grade 1 - thanks Phillip.
Copyright © 2007 Barbara Attwood
It got to Wednesday, my last teaching day, and Phillip, hadn't appeared. I was therefore convinced he would come to my evening 6-9.00pm group. I was well prepared and totally hyped up. I'd phoned all the students to be early. I was wearing cool, comfortable, smart and attractive, confidence boosting clothes. I'd single-handedly dragged in an extra table, telling my manager to pretend she'd not seen me, as she started muttering about Health and Safety. I had all my handouts and activities placed carefully in order on the desk, together with coloured wipe board pens and flip chart markers. Adrenalin was racing through my veins.
He didn't turn up.
That I was furious, after all my hard work, is an understatement. The good news however is - if your observer doesn't turn up, you can keep the grade you got last year, which was a grade 1. The guy who never gives grade 1s, inadvertently gave me a grade 1 - thanks Phillip.
Copyright © 2007 Barbara Attwood
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